Sad New Year to me. For me, which is going into a new year; Year of 2018, after my failure of suicide, that night.
Ending another year, entering into a new year, is just like ending another day and stepping into a new day; watching the clock striking from a second to another next second. No special feelings. Just empty, inside.
No new hopes. No new wishes. No urge of looking forward to any new things happening.
Sad New Year.
Girl, Interrupted, 2xxx! ft. Miso
The first song I shuffled from my sad playlist this new year.
I have a lot of outerwears; jackets, shirts, whatever it is. Why? Because I want to keep myself warm. Keep myself wrapped, to feel secure.
I always bring extra things with me to anywhere, even though I dont always need them. Why? Because I know. No one would carry them for me. No one would back me up.
I learnt martial arts to protect myself. Why? Because I have only myself. No one will protect me.
But even though I know, no one wanna harm me.
because I'm not even worthy to pay attention to.
I am too ordinary in everyones life. Even my own. Im too lonely and sad. I am sick and even say it loud to people. "I'm probably dying" but I receive nothing.
NO ONE CARES. NO ONE PAYS ATTENTION ON ME.
She has depression. She is sick. But she is lucky. Because at least she is loved, someone cares for her, worries about her. Even looking for her like crazy when she dont want to contact anyone.
BUT I HAVE NO ONE.
i love myself too much that
i ran out of love. im dying inside.
im not scared of dying.
im scared of living.
help.
Why do we made these choices? Why do we live like this? What will happen next? Why can't I have what everyone has? Why we deserve this and that?
It's all fate. And our lives are planned accordingly by God. We can never deny but only to accept and continue to let it happen to us and live with it.
"I Drink Alone" by Juniel. The lyrics of this song, sings out my mood right now. Let the lyrics say it all.
It’s become a habit now
I got through this day so crazily
I’ll comfort myself with some beer today Cuz I’ll be drinking alone anyway.
When did all this time pass?
Feels like yesterday
When I just turned twenty
Is everyone else becoming adults too?
Are they not having an easy time too?
Let’s cheers and drink and forget it all
Let’s throw away all the things that passed Seeing how I’m smiling so sadly Makes me so upset and hurt I wish I could be happy Please
Beer isn’t enough today
But I have work tomorrow
I emptied a glass of soju in the end
Oh my life
Every day is filled with loser, miserable and embarrassing moments
Writing down my bad history
I got through it all But now I’m afraid of people I realized too late That the only person on my side in this world Is me alone
Let’s cheers and drink and forget it all
Let’s throw away all the things that passed Seeing how I’m smiling so sadly Makes me ache and feel lonely, I hate it
You and I, we’re still being shaken
I can’t even cry, I’m just drinking I sadly endure through another day It makes me so upset and hurt I wish I could be happy...
Today, I decided to uninstall the last dating app and decided to pause my effort to expand my social circle. Or in the other meaning, stop my finding for something and someone. All back to square one. Especially today, I bumped into even more lovey dovey couples which made me exhausted. Mentally exhausted. Take a break i guess, even thought i've had it enough but I still need more and concentrate to take a real break. A REAL MENTAL BREAK.
Yesterday night, he called me. At first, he apologized saying that he was sorry for ignoring me. Well, he was not wrong cause I kinda feel like I am ignored but well I always get used to it. Being ignored. He said he is not in good mood recently and I asked why and told him he can always talk to me about it. He said its a long story and maybe after he told me about it I will never see him the way he is before. For me, to be able to talk to him even more than a second, I would be happy for it. He said, "I warned you :)" Next second, he called. I picked up and a long silence came from the other side for a few second. Then, he said he like this girl, from my dad's hometown, he met from the same app, she had health issues etc. They met up and he stayed over at her place, things went emotional and they 'spent' the night together. He said she has depression and always shut down and never talk to anyone for days, he didn't have the ability to reach her even though he eagerly wants to reach her. Then, he told that he accidentally met her ex. At the end he said, he fucked up, he reached a very fucked up point in life. I don't know what to do, tried so hard to comfort him and ending up saying a lot of unnecessary stuff and at a point I don't even know what I said lol...I even sing to him after he hung up and said he can always find me and talk to me.
In some point, I think he thinks that I do too much as a new friend for him, maybe he knew that I might have a little feeling to him. Till an extend I am quite annoying lol. But one thing I am so curious about, why that this moment he is still so active in the app?? The moment that he is so fucked up and so sad and depressing but WHY? Is it because he hopes that he can find new people, friend or even next romance to cure his wound? Then what am I? Just another person to help cure his heart?
I told myself that, I cannot fell deeper anymore, at least not this timing, the 'him' which suffers complication; a lot of complications. Now, I am could be the 'angel' that will always by his side when he needed comfort or I could just wait, and stay quiet and just wait, wait, wait or leave? I knew I may not leave but I must not fell anymore because it's too dangerous. TOO DANGEROUS.
Sometimes, I want to hug you like crazy - Summer Vacation.
A space filled with my saddest dreams, loneliest moments and infinite thoughts. The one and only space that can always hug me till I felt comfort, recovered and be okay. Down-to-earth, half way to perfection (cause if its perfect I will be very stress to stay in), comfort and dark.
With my slow pacing footsteps, I stepped into my one and only nest. Sniffing in such nerve calming scent through my nose..."Ahhh...I am tired." With a glance through the space; my beloved old oak tree colored guitar laying on the edge of my bed, a few of my sneaker box stacked together and laid against the wall, my dark blue denim jacket hanged on a old wooden bookshelf, some old photos filled with memories and smiles taped on the wall, window covered by a blue stripped curtain has been my favorite spot, at last, my bed. Throw myself into the "arms", oh god, if only my bed was a man who can give me all these sense of belonging, comfort and secure. My plush dog, soaked with all my tears and sweat, and I cuddle every single night, just like I constantly consume its soul for more and more comfort, secure, companion to soothe my loneliness and sadness.
Just another night, just another lonely night. Goodnight.
---Dedicated to my bedroom, my one and only own space on Earth.
A song that can always "bring" me to a down town alley small music bar in Tokyo.
23.11.2017 (Thursday)_
Waiting.
I kept waiting.
For how long?
I waited long enough.
Im tired.
Too tired.
No more strength.
Faith has almost gone.
No more hope.
I want to give up.
Can I give up?
God, help me.
God, tell me.
What should I do?
When will it come?
Tell me.
Today was the very first time I've had my very first date. It was CRAZY, a lil NERVOUS, FUN and HEARTWARMING.
It was crazy to even have a date with a guy that I didnt even know his full name. Is even crazier that I actually asked and set the date. The awkward silence at first made me a lil' nervous but it was fun to see such fun reactions from him. It was so heartwarmimg that we could talk about so many things together. His past relationships, his experiences, the things he tried but he wasn't allow to; what truly made me heartwarming was the fact that I can be open and share my inner thoughts that I never share to anyone - my loneliness, my anxiety, things that I questioned myself and many more... He even comforted me saying, "Dont force yourself, dont get a lover because u wanted to have."
Shit...I think I might accidentally fell for him...
Alone. Lonely. Depression. Sadness. You can say tons of negative words towards me and I can relate to all of them. I never felt as lonely as this time. Tears can fill my eyes so easily every time I thought of how alone I am, no one would understand, no one for me, questioning many questions to myself.
Love. What a beautiful word to say. But the word itself made me question myself some of the scariest questions: Is there anyone exist for me? Will I be single and unwanted for the rest of my life? Do love ever exist in my life? I can think of lots of lots of questions but never ever I would have those answers.
Maybe it was my fault, or not. I have no one to talk to; or maybe I feel very hard to spill my thoughts to someone; or maybe they will never actually understand my feelings anyways, so there's no meaning to even speak out.
Most painful and loneliest cry were hidden behind the happiest smile that I shown everyday. I might have the happiest or joyful or cutest smile but actually I have the saddest cry every night (or perhaps some nights as I'm too tired to even cry).
Upon all, I just think I have a shadow living inside of me and engulfing me everyday and every night. A shadow named, "great depression".
