when everything keeps us apart

when everything keeps us apart,
time is what we eager to have,
so we can still be together even if it's just for one more second.

when everything keeps us apart,
distance is nothing but pain in the ass,
because the furthest distance on earth is you know where to go, but you can't go.

when everything keeps us apart,
tears is the only thing that i have,
crying out my loneliness everyday till i meet u again.

when everything keeps us apart,
phone calls is the only thing that keeps us close even if is just a while,
and the simplest thing like hugs and kisses are what we needed now.

when everything keeps us apart,
memories is what i always play in my mind,
and wish we can travel back in time to relive the happiest moment of our life.

when everything keeps us apart,
all i wanted to have is to freeze the time when we are together,
even if its just us hugging closely together in your room forever.

when everything keeps us apart,
spending time together with you feels like a dream i never wanted to end,
help me escape cruel realities that i never wanted to go back.

when everything keeps us apart,
laughter, conversation and love are all fading,
and could you tell me how to be strong and make everything return again?

Nothing but YOU, baby.

Nothing on you
which are so precious and endearing
are in those "experiments" that i've done.

Nothing in this world
will be as fun if
you are not with me.

Nothing in this world
can be as sweet as
those hugs and kisses you gave me.

Nothing is meaningful and convincing at all
if those words and compliments
are not out from your mind, heart and lips.

Nothing in this world is safer
not even the safest place on Earth
than your cuddles, baby.

Nothing in this world
would understand me
than you do baby.

And, nothing in this world
that i would be searching for in a person
if it's not YOU, baby.

Do it or NOT?

What a pathetic life,
when you have more reasons
NOT
to have a birthday party
than having one
on your precious 21st birthday?

And you actually got yourself
a boyfriend before your birthday
because you don't want to
celebrate your precious 21st birthday
alone.

If only i have a close group of friends
that i hangout with, then i will.
I will have that ONE reason to
celebrate it.

But, NO.
I don't.
That's why i am scared
to have a birthday
as so many years what i got is
just wishes and nothing else.

People were looking forward
for their birthdays.
But i am scared
of my own
birthday.

"Nobody knows my birthday, i feel so blue."
Birthday, Rad Museum.

"It's been two weeks since I realised you are REAL."

09.08.2018 (Tuesday)

God, i am a lucky girl,
that i found my one and only Knight, Premjeet.

He is the dream i've been waiting for,
tattoos and ideas that we passionate about,
music and artist that we love,
movies and series that we shared,
even the little things proved that we are the same.

We had suffered much,
met too much wrong exes,
made too much stupid choices,
but now we found us,
got together as god blessed.

Together,
we are the deadliest Devil and Nightmare,
fearless Bonnie and Clyde,
sweetest Bugs and Lola,
and two cutest love bunnies in the whole wide world.

He love me in every way,
from how i dress,
how i talk,
how i act,
and lastly who i am.

God, i am a lucky girl,
and please make this happened,
just like this will be our last relationship,
as we walked the journey together,
and make our dreams come true till the last day comes.

                                    Cigarette, offonoff ft. Miso
                         The song that brought us together and will be forever.

Sinful me.

love is a difficult riddle to guess.
love is a naughty child who plays with people's fate.

i used to be lonely, little girl who eager for love.
now i had the love and now it's hard to choose.

whether i should be a loyal but unhappy girlfriend,
or a sinful, almost like a bitch to still talking with a guy who understands me
and shares interest with me?

now i clearly knows that,
he is a replacement.
but now he isn't really what i want.

he left me feeling lonely and thought that i overthinking again.
if i cannot tell him that, then what's the point?

i am a bad girl, i know.
i even hope that we can end this quickly,
so i could be free again.

Music: Our connection and disconnection

How funny it is
when i listen to music
i think of you
always

You made songs and music about me
when we are together
even
when we broke up

How pathetic it is
music is the one
that brought us together
and also tear us apart

Replacement?

It was all unplanned
He came into my life
When I am still with him

What is his purpose?
To listen to my relationship problems
Made me laugh for a bit
Talk to me when he can't
Accompany me whenever the time is

He was there when we broke up
Comfort me by listening and accompanying

He is better, normal, funny and weird
He is not good in english, sweeter words or music
He cares about me and love me
for I am such a bad and emotionally sick person

and why am I with him now
I wonder
That we have less in common and less to talk with.

The "perfect guy" that never exist.

I guess the perfect guy
never exist
in my life.

They said Virgo are perfectionist
this I admit.

Who doesn't want the perfect guy?
Honestly, I want.
I want the guy that has
Perfect tanned skin
Muscular-built covered with tattoos
Long hair tied up
Smells dominant and sexy as hell
Wearing those hype and fine clothes

Who can treat me like
I am his only love
Give me most of his attention and time
Knows all my emotion and pamper me like im a baby
Understands my depression and can hug me whenever i want

But a guy like this
does he exists?

Nothing left.

I gave him a cap for his birthday,
I braided him a couple bracelet,
which i thought i can tie him together with me,
as i also thought that our hearts are tied together,
but seems like this is all my silly fantasy.

I gave him my first,
First hands holding with a guy,
First hug,
First kiss,
and first...relationship.

But he gave me nothing.
And nothing left for me.

Oh, he did.
He left me heartbroken and how broken he is in my memories.

It's all a "DREAM".

16.06.2018 (Saturday)

"Everything is like a dream. It returns to what it is when you're awake but you woke up feeling pain and the pain remains." 

It's all a dream. It's not a nightmare but it's not a sweet dream too. It's my first dream and I gave him most of my first experiences. Well, my love wasn't worth it at all after I gave him mine, because he did not appreciate it at all. However, I wish him all the best in his future, his job and his passion, also wish there's a right person which can treat him right and give him all the love that he wanted.

Bye.

It's too much.

"Don’t love too much,
Don’t trust too much,
Don’t think too much,
Because that's too much,
Will hurt you so much." - My beloved friend, Joyce.

Losing sweetness, becoming tasteless.

He likes anything that is sweet,
donuts are his favourite thing.

He speaks sweetness to me,
like he spits honey to me,
makin' me having diabetes.

Maybe i fell to his honey trap,
just the way as he planned.

Now he seems fucked up,
no more sweet messages to cheer me up.

Everything became so tasteless,
without his sweetness.

Those dull and heavy texts,
contains emotional and negative words,
are just making me feeling motionless.

"You are evolving..."

I guess he is right.

With him, being like this and that,
what do you expect me to do?

A girl's love fantasy is hard to come true,
I guess mine never came true.

He is busy,
He needed money.
So I gave him time and space,
But what about me?

I am learning, adapting and evolving.
I am still new to this whole thing.
Or am I just scared that this won't happened as I think?

I'm chatting with a guy that calls me babe too,
even longer than we should.
Is this making me bad and sinful?

Whose fault, is it mine or his?
Or time, or distance, or fate?

"Twinkle, twinkle little star..."

24.04.2018 (Tues)

The night is dark, the wind is cold.

The ground is high, her eyes still cries. 

"Twinkle, twinkle little star, how i wonder what you are..."

The first song she ever learnt will now be the last song she ever sings. 

"Up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky,

Twinkle, twinkle little star, how i wonder what you are..."

*A heavy load fell down from the rooftop*

The night is dark, the wind is cold.

She will no longer live in this world of sorrow. 

“单身列车”

21.04.18（星期六）

如果能够有个固定的陪伴，那付出多一些爱，被伤害多几次又何妨？

我们就像乘坐着一趟很漫长又孤单地列车，它叫做 “单身列车”。
在列车上，少女静静地趴在窗口边，听着伤感地音乐，带着忧伤地眼神看着一幕一幕窗外快速闪过的风景。这趟车几乎没有放慢速度的意思，直直地往无止尽地路程前进。

“单身列车” 有并不多的停站；而每个人乘坐的列车，有不同的人数上车；而上车的不一定会一起乘坐到终点。

少女已在列车乘坐了很长时间，上列车的也只不过是个搭便车的人。少女容易动情和留恋，都会对搭便车的人们有少许感情，然而最后这些搭便车的人，一个个下站了，留下的只有少女自己一个人伤心和失望。

少女偶尔会和自己的列车交接的另一趟列车里的男子对眼，会有一见钟情地时候。可是又如何？他们还是在另一趟列车，往着自己的地点前行，而和他们前行的并非是自己。

“我还需要坐多久的列车？下一个停站会不会是对的那个人上车？他的人又如何？我们又会不会一起长久，到那个所谓的幸福目的地一起下车呢？”少女一边看着窗外远处地风景，一边问着自己。或许是问着一个自己也不晓得存不存在的上天或是月老这些几乎得不到答案的问题。

“这趟车会停下吗？还是会没有终点地一直往前走呢？”少女问着问着，眼睛慢慢地合上，在微晃的列车里，沉沉地睡去。

This is ME.

I'm not the girl that I'm used to be,
Being the happiest girl everyone wants me to be,
with the cutest dimples everyone wish to have from me.

Depression and loneliness engulfed me,
Growing deep and deep inside of me,
Making me mad every night till I couldn't sleep.

Overthinking everyday, every night.
About love I never have,
Friendships that I wish to have,
And everything perhaps.

Born and exist as an ordinary girl in their life,
Never a girl they would look at twice.
Not that kind of girl they would ask for number,
Which they just think of me as a friend forever.

"Enjoy your single life" they said,
"I'm tired of it" I said.
They never know that I love myself too much,
that I ran out of love to love again.

Being good to everyone,
but do they even care?
I never share to anyone about it,
'Cause they never gonna understand it.

Step into hell was what I thought that night,
the night I would never forget in my life.
Sitting at the corner on a cold hard floor,
Cuddle myself and cry till no tears anymore.

It's hard to be alone,
It's hard to have no one,
She maybe sick but she had someone,
Someone that wants to be with her and care for her.

I'm tired of life,
Crying for help every night.
But no one wants to help me,
Not even God himself.

I've changed a lot,
I've changed into a person that I didn't even would recognized 5 years ago.
Depression is now my closest friend and foe,
It leads me to bad habits so I can find my new comfort zone.
Tattoos, smoking, swearing, and many more.

So tell me, anyone please tell me,
If there's anyone would ever help me
And love such a sad and depressing girl like ME....

"My pillow's a tissue for my tears."

I'll be lost inside my head, 

Bad thoughts till 4am,

Then I'll try to sleep. 

And I can't tell anyone,

Im so scared they'll get up and run.

So I don't speak.

And oh, I miss when we were younger,

The days were so much funner,

Weren't they?

Oh, I book a new appointment,

It's another disappointment.

They're all the same, same, same.

When the doctor says I'm fine,

One at morning, one at night.

These pills will help you remember how to smile,

But what does he know?

Because I feel so alone.

And mom and dad both tell me I'm alright.

'Cause the doctor said you're fine.

My own mind can lie to me,

They all say its anxiety.

But I just think its me.

Now I've lost so many years,

My pillow's a tissue for my tears.

But you, never see.

And now, I can't even eat my dinner, 

Mom says I'm getting thinner

Am I?

Oh, I book a new appointment,

Yet another disappointment.

They're all the same, same, same.

When the doctor says I'm fine, 

One at morning, one at night.

These pills will help you remember how to smile,

But what does he know?

Because I feel so alone.

And mom and dad both tell me I'm alright.

'Cause the doctor said you're fine.

But he don't care bout me,

He'll just go home to his family.

Why does no one see,

Im not the girl I wish that I could be.

'Cause the doctor says I'm fine,

One at morning, one at night.

These pills will help you remember how to smile,

But what does he know?

Because I feel so alone.

And mom and dad both tell me I'm alright.

'Cause the doctor said you're fine.

The Doctor Said - Chloe Adams

"Only loner can know how truly a loner feels." 

孤单是。。。

很普通的日子里，

没有温暖的问候，没有朋友的呼唤，没有多余的交谈。

只有唯一这个工作群组里固定地报告；

每中午12点，中午3点，下午6点和晚上10点的收入报告。

可怜的是，这样的信息却显然让我领悟，原来我还是存在。

这样的信息，已经成了习惯，我这些月来，生活的一部分。

然而，这个固定的信息，在明天结束之后，

就会消失了，手机又会更平静，更安静，

甚至可能不会收到任何信息。

一个唯一能够让我收到固定信息的管道，

都没有了。

是时候。。。放弃吧

时间越来越长，
心越来越淡。

渐渐地，我忘了；
那个喜欢一个人的热诚，
那个渴望爱的热心，
和，那个寻找恋爱的初心。

有些人，人缘好，多人追。
有些人，像一般，有人追。
一些人，不渴望，但有了，还是最棒的。

我这人，很尴尬，太一般。
主动了，被婉拒，被无视，
也不当我一回事。

In the year of 2018,
I had my first tattoo
And smoked my very first cigarette.
I'm starting to be a different person,
The person that I don't know anymore.

Cigarette, offonoff (ft. Tablo & Miso)