Sad New Year to me. For me, which is going into a new year; Year of 2018, after my failure of suicide, that night.
Ending another year, entering into a new year, is just like ending another day and stepping into a new day; watching the clock striking from a second to another next second. No special feelings. Just empty, inside.
No new hopes. No new wishes. No urge of looking forward to any new things happening.
Sad New Year.
Girl, Interrupted, 2xxx! ft. Miso
The first song I shuffled from my sad playlist this new year.
I have a lot of outerwears; jackets, shirts, whatever it is. Why? Because I want to keep myself warm. Keep myself wrapped, to feel secure.
I always bring extra things with me to anywhere, even though I dont always need them. Why? Because I know. No one would carry them for me. No one would back me up.
I learnt martial arts to protect myself. Why? Because I have only myself. No one will protect me.
But even though I know, no one wanna harm me.
because I'm not even worthy to pay attention to.
I am too ordinary in everyones life. Even my own. Im too lonely and sad. I am sick and even say it loud to people. "I'm probably dying" but I receive nothing.
NO ONE CARES. NO ONE PAYS ATTENTION ON ME.
She has depression. She is sick. But she is lucky. Because at least she is loved, someone cares for her, worries about her. Even looking for her like crazy when she dont want to contact anyone.
BUT I HAVE NO ONE.
i love myself too much that
i ran out of love. im dying inside.
im not scared of dying.
im scared of living.
help.
Why do we made these choices? Why do we live like this? What will happen next? Why can't I have what everyone has? Why we deserve this and that?
It's all fate. And our lives are planned accordingly by God. We can never deny but only to accept and continue to let it happen to us and live with it.
"I Drink Alone" by Juniel. The lyrics of this song, sings out my mood right now. Let the lyrics say it all.
It’s become a habit now
I got through this day so crazily
I’ll comfort myself with some beer today Cuz I’ll be drinking alone anyway.
When did all this time pass?
Feels like yesterday
When I just turned twenty
Is everyone else becoming adults too?
Are they not having an easy time too?
Let’s cheers and drink and forget it all
Let’s throw away all the things that passed Seeing how I’m smiling so sadly Makes me so upset and hurt I wish I could be happy Please
Beer isn’t enough today
But I have work tomorrow
I emptied a glass of soju in the end
Oh my life
Every day is filled with loser, miserable and embarrassing moments
Writing down my bad history
I got through it all But now I’m afraid of people I realized too late That the only person on my side in this world Is me alone
Let’s cheers and drink and forget it all
Let’s throw away all the things that passed Seeing how I’m smiling so sadly Makes me ache and feel lonely, I hate it
You and I, we’re still being shaken
I can’t even cry, I’m just drinking I sadly endure through another day It makes me so upset and hurt I wish I could be happy...
Today, I decided to uninstall the last dating app and decided to pause my effort to expand my social circle. Or in the other meaning, stop my finding for something and someone. All back to square one. Especially today, I bumped into even more lovey dovey couples which made me exhausted. Mentally exhausted. Take a break i guess, even thought i've had it enough but I still need more and concentrate to take a real break. A REAL MENTAL BREAK.
