burn away my loneliness.

By the window,
I lit up my cigg.

Take in a puff,
Puffing out my sorrow.

Staring at the burning tip,
Hoping it can burn away my loneliness.

escaped depression again.

14.05.2019

Feeling heavy, slow and nothing.

It feels like an endless subway tunnel.
Lonely, shaking, out of breath, headache, choking, tired, sobbing.

Taking a puff of a cigarette at the window,
staring into space,
looking down to the end,
body felt light,
like i would end up down there any minute lying on a pool of blood.

Head spinning on the last puff,
hands shaking,
stepping away from the window,
so my body won't leave the edge,
and jump off from my room.

Crawled into a ball on bed,
grabbed tightly on the blanket,
hiding from coldness,
tearing up from the bottom of my heart.

Worst thoughts all came out,
haunting and screaming at me,
he would care for them more than you,
you don't matter at all.

"I need to survive,
at least for the night."
i stared at the chat,
screaming how much i needed him now inside,
doubtfully tapped on call button,
he finally answered,
i let it all out,
cried my heart and mind out like it is end of my life.

Never a friend to all the friends.

13.05.2019 (Sunday)

I am sick
Always think of negative things
And no friends or gangs to be around with.

Checking on my Instagram
Y'all are party here and there
Lepak till the midnight ends.

Lighting up my cigarette
Puffing out my anxiety
Saying "Hi" to my old friend, Depression.

Standing by the bedroom window
Staring across to the window next door
Spacing out like I don't feel anything at all.

Overthinking over and over
Like i dont even matter
To anyone in this whole wide world.

All alone and being left out
All i want is to hang out
Get drunk with a bunch of peeps till i sober up.

Going on trips and adventures
Talking shits and our hearts out
Is all i could dream of now.

I tried to open up
Making effort to come out
But there's no one that care to hear out

You dont even care to be around
Giving me a cold shoulder
Like i am some sort of a clown

All i wanted is just to feel belonged
Among some genuine cool people
That i can call them mine.

when you are away

tears fall unknowingly,
throat choked painfully,
mind filled with blank thoughts,
it's all because of missing you.

wishing you were here all the time,
when i stare into the spaces,
places you would be when you are here,
but still you aren't here.

sometimes i forgot how tall you are,
how big your hands are,
how does your scents smells like,
and forgot how do you even look like anymore.

day by day without you,
you are further away,
distance between us
and our hearts are further away.

repeating words in messages,
repeating routine everyday without each other,
things maybe changed a little,
just like silence took over when we called.

Sometimes, I wonder why, 난 너무 외로운 걸 (I'm so lonely).

A darkened heart
a moon-like haze in the clouds.
on this long night,
i can't help thinking
an unknown mind

The lack of clarity
maybe it's us or it's my heart.
I can't tell you. i'm wandering.
The starry night i am going through with you in my heart
with so much thoughts.
It's hard to fall asleep.
Over and over and over.

Sometimes i wonder why
i'm so lonely
in the never-ending darkness.
So i need you now
in this changing world
You'll be that light that won't change.

There's so much I can't forget
even minor memories
with tear in my eyes.
I know you can't fill it up,
find answers without problems.
It's haunting my memory.

I don't know what i'm thinking.
I want you to know
that's selfish
as i know
With so much thoughts.
it's hard to fall asleep.
Over and over and over.

Sometimes i wonder why
i'm so lonely
in the never-ending darkness.
So i need you now
in this changing world
You'll be that light that won't change.
You
You are my moonlight
you are my moonlight
you are my moonlight.

"Sometimes i wonder why, i'm so lonely, in this never-ending darkness."

- Moonlight, OuiOui.

i hate myself.

i hate myself
i hate that i am always sad
i hate that i am always depressed
like im nothing in the world
and no one cares.

i hate myself
i hate that i never knew what's wrong with me
i hate that i never had an answer
to tell him what's wrong
and how can he help me with.

i hate myself
i hate that my anxiety stops me from being too much of myself
i hate that i can't share all of my favourites
just because he did not always listens to my music
and i thought he wouldn't interested about it.

i hate myself
i hate that i can't be strong sometimes
i hate that i doubt about us
for being losing things to talk, share and listen
and silence took over when we get to call.

when everything keeps us apart

when everything keeps us apart,
time is what we eager to have,
so we can still be together even if it's just for one more second.

when everything keeps us apart,
distance is nothing but pain in the ass,
because the furthest distance on earth is you know where to go, but you can't go.

when everything keeps us apart,
tears is the only thing that i have,
crying out my loneliness everyday till i meet u again.

when everything keeps us apart,
phone calls is the only thing that keeps us close even if is just a while,
and the simplest thing like hugs and kisses are what we needed now.

when everything keeps us apart,
memories is what i always play in my mind,
and wish we can travel back in time to relive the happiest moment of our life.

when everything keeps us apart,
all i wanted to have is to freeze the time when we are together,
even if its just us hugging closely together in your room forever.

when everything keeps us apart,
spending time together with you feels like a dream i never wanted to end,
help me escape cruel realities that i never wanted to go back.

when everything keeps us apart,
laughter, conversation and love are all fading,
and could you tell me how to be strong and make everything return again?